What I’m doing now

There has been a time of wondering and adjusting. Today, while I've been surfing the web to find something attractive for the future, I just realized my situation (again!) with some doubts.

For better understanding, I'd rather start with what I felt earlier this year.

The reason why I applied for this "volunteer" job was the very motivation of "making better world" in naïve sense. My initial motivation hasn't changed yet, but beginning to be suspicious about what I am, who I am as a person who want to change the world. Am I a person who really has enough enthusiasm to do it? Or I'm just another material woman who will make this chance for a stepping stone of my career. After four month of living in VN that is the most developed country among the list of developing countries that KOICA members have dispatched, I'm seriously complaining about all that I've got now and what I will do with it. I feel I betray my initial ideal motivation already.

Of course, there were things I didn't know about this country and the system of volunteering work. Even I consider those 'variables' as a significant factor, I was determined and confident to do this job under whatever condition. I betray my own good will and think about relatively convenient living after this deprived period. Also, I can't get away from guilty feeling. Guilty feeling to the people in this country, to my parents and to myself. My weak soul. I'm torturing me again putting myself in a harsh condition to both mind and body. Whatever happens, I will and should overcome them for myself (again!). But this time, I feel I'm much weaker than last time, so I doubt myself whether I could manage to do this mission till the end of the contract.

It is really serious matter that I'm worry about the time left on my duty. I have just managed 4 months and got 20 months to go.